You Got The Silver

Keith Richards is working on an autobiography. Because we have an avowed interest in Keef, we've requested and received an advanced copy of his work-in-progress. Here are some excerpts:

...from Chapter 23: The Making of Exile on Main Street...
It was some kind of castle or sumfink. I don' remember. I plugged my guitar into the toaster, Ronnie was passed out in his own filth, and... Wait a minute, didn't one of us drown in the pool?

...from Chapter 37: Muggles and Squibs...
So while the sorting hat clearly put me in Derek and the Dominoes, Dumbledore's plan was to keep me in the Rolling Stones for another thirty years. This was the first time that Dumbledore had directly contradicted the Hogwarts School's talking wizard's hat. Personally, I didn't understand a word...

...from Chapter Eleventy-Three: Several Blood Transfusions Later...
People fink I fell outta that cocoa-nut tree, but 'ats not what happened. Me, Ronnie, and Johnnie Depp were all abducted by some whatcha call aliens. They were little fellas what kind of looked like Mick if you increased both air pressure and the density of the earth's core (and thus gravity) by a factor of, say, 1.253 -- enough to condense and thicken Jaegger but not so much that he couldn't move, you know. Anyrate: after some really good hash and a not-half-bad anal probe, the aliens dropped us back to earth, me less gently than the others. Depp felt it might raise suspicions if we mentioned aliens, so Ronnie came up with the "fell out of a tree" bit, which is sometimes also reported as "run over by a jet ski."

...from Chapter I Lost My Place, So Let's Just Call It Fifty: In Which Doris Gets Her Horse...

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...from Epilogue: The View from the Future...

Here on the precipice of the year 31279, all of that 20th and 21st century mumbo jumbo just seems like a frolic in the sun. We were all so innocent, so unsuspecting, so naive. People thought the drugs would kill me, but who's laughing now? Remember: these are the same people who thought polar bears would die out within the next century. I do sometimes wonder what some of those early thinkers -- Al Gore, Ralph Nader, Lindsay Lohan -- would say now, when the only thing that stands between humanity and total species eradication is me? Around me lies the ocean, cold and no higher than it ought to be. In front of me, an army of highly evolved and heavily armed pissed-off polar bears. Beneath my feet: the surprisingly bouyant carcass of Ronnie Wood. I write this in squid ink -- almost of out squid now -- on fronds from the cocoanut tree. The bears advance