A Few Of My (Least) Favorite Things

By all reports, I am an easy-going and humble person.

However, there are certain things for which I will institute a global "Zero Tolerance" policy, once my easy-going, humble, and yet totalitarian global revolution installs me as Emperor. (A possible state flag, prepared by the Committee on State Emblems, is offered for preview at left. Please e-mail debbie@cse.townblog.gov with any feedback. Constructive criticism only, please!) So herewith then is a list of things that you should avoid within my presence. Unless of course you want to be first against the wall.*

1. Inhale while chewing gum with your mouth open. This makes a sound like "umgowah umgowah umgowah." This is not pleasing to the Emperor. (Please refrain from chewing gum in the presence of the Emperor. If the Emperor happens to be chewing gum, mention his supposed hypocrisy at your own peril**.)
2. Eat potato, tortilla, or other kinds of chips without closing ones' lips before making teeth-to-chip contact. This makes the sound of a thin layer of ice cracking across an inland lake. This is not pleasing to the Emperor. For this same reason, movie theatres may no longer serve popcorn. Unless the Emperor happens to want some, in which case all fellow movie-goers must use the closing-the-lips technique.
3. Use of the word "literally," except when used in reference to a term or condition that would otherwise be understood figuratively. As you are no doubt aware, having read the Emperor's Compulsory Manual of New World Grammar, many people use the word "literally" when they mean "figuratively," as in "I literally lost my head." Other times, the word is used as emphasis for something that is already understood to be literal, as in "I literally folded the map in half." It would be unlikely that a person would have metaphorically or figuratively folded a map in half -- although, hey, take a shot. The only time "literally" is permissible in our new regime is in rare circumstances is to clarify actuality in cases where your language would be presumed to be fantastical, e.g. "The previous world leader lost his head -- literally." Incorrect usage of the word "literally" makes the sound of a braying ass whose rear left hoof has been too-tightly and fatally wedged into a narrow fissure of a canyon.(Note word order.)
4. The striking and/or scraping of a stainless steel spoon against a porcelain bowl. These make the doubly unpleasant sounds of "plink" and "scrrrrrrrrrrnch," neither of which are pleasing to the Emperor. Use of either a plastic spoon and/or a plastic bowl is preferable. People who say they do not enjoy the use of plastic in their meal-eating are damned liars, and forget the loveliness of cafeteria trays and KFC sporks.
5. Yelling or other such carrying on while watching televised sporting events. Neither the television nor the sports participants it displays can hear you. Such yelling makes the sound of "go go GO GO you sonuva... GO!" and this is not pleasing to the Emperor. (It is perfectly acceptable, however, to talk back to political chat show pundits or newsreaders who oversimplify matters. Certain members of certain households may be allowed to talk back to the hosts of fishing shows, as the Emperor finds that funny.

* Those who go against the wall in my easy-going, humble, and yet totalitarian New World Order will be made to think seriously about their lack of consideration for the feelings of others, particularly those of the Emperor.

**Peril, in my easy-going, humble, and yet totalitarian New World Order, involves a visual upbraiding -- in the form of a well-practiced scowl -- performed by the Emperor himself.