Secretary of Idealism: A scuffed and dog-earred paperback copy of Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. Since it's publication in 1980, Zinn's book has been standard knapsack fare for bearded undergraduates and surprisingly handsome MIT janitors from South Boston. This particular copy of the book was found underneath a threadbare sofa in Somerville, MA's late and lamented Someday Cafe in the early part of 2000 (and thereby represents a pre-9/11, late-Clinton-era outrage over U.S. foreign policy). A bus ticket from Thailand has been used as a bookmark, so one presumes that the book itself has traveled overseas. Critics will likely respond negatively towards the naming of an inanimate object for a cabinet-level position, but these critics can be quickly reminded that former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson set the precedent during his short stint as Health and Human Services Director during Bush II's first term.Secretar
y of Hope: Luke Skywalker. Raised on the hot desert planet of Tatooine with no knowledge of his own fateful ancestry, Skywalker initially joined the Rebel Alliance due to a sexual attraction to a hologram of his own sister. However, much like the president he will serve, Skywalker's passion and drive propelled him past these ignoble beginnings (as well as some really bad dialogue) to eventually becoming the savior of the entire Rebel-slash-Jedi movement. Having twice destroyed the dreaded Death Star and converting the evil Empire's second-in-command to the side of light (which would be kind of like cultivating humanity in Dick Cheney), few religious figures are better examples of grace delivered through rebirth and resurrection than Luke H. Skywalker.
y of Hope: Luke Skywalker. Raised on the hot desert planet of Tatooine with no knowledge of his own fateful ancestry, Skywalker initially joined the Rebel Alliance due to a sexual attraction to a hologram of his own sister. However, much like the president he will serve, Skywalker's passion and drive propelled him past these ignoble beginnings (as well as some really bad dialogue) to eventually becoming the savior of the entire Rebel-slash-Jedi movement. Having twice destroyed the dreaded Death Star and converting the evil Empire's second-in-command to the side of light (which would be kind of like cultivating humanity in Dick Cheney), few religious figures are better examples of grace delivered through rebirth and resurrection than Luke H. Skywalker.
Apathy Czar: Jack Lalane. The 94-year-old fitness guru has been charged with the daunting task of keeping the Obama fateful as energized in the presidency as they were during the campaign. Former urban and rural campaign headquarters will be retro-fitted into workout rooms, and Lalane is expected to begin a national morning workout in which citizens will be called to do deep knee bends, chin ups, and thrust squats each morning before going off to revitalize the economy. Areas without the resources to afford juicers, weight benches, or enormous leather medicine balls will be granted a weekly sparring session with diminutive former Labor secretary and NPR "Marketplace" staple Robert Reich. Lalane will work closely with the president, who expects us all to have the same sort of prominent ab- and pec- muscles as he does by the end of his first term in office, when all of America will be mandatorily photographed with their shirts off in the waters off Kauai.Sources tell Townblog that the Secretaries of Optimism, Earnestness, Idealism and Hope, as well as the Apathy Czar and other posts not yet named will be combined under the auspices of a newly proposed Office of Homeland Self-Esteem.
Townblog will continue to bring you this sort of nonsense as it develops.
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