Squirrels HEART Waffles

This morning on the "Today" show, I learned that children who scream when someone is abducting them are less likely to be abducted. Let this be a lesson to you, parents of polite and quiet children. (Please ignore this lesson, pederasts with an enormous roll of gapper's tape.)

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Also, today, on my own independent research, I learned that squirrels love waffles.

Confirming evidence can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=squirrel+waffle

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Some of the "alternative methods" of questioning that our President may be referring to:

1. Making a statement and then requesting that the terror suspect agree or disagree with that statement. You are a threat to American security. Do you (a) strongly agree (b) somewhat agree (c) neither agree or disagree (d) somewhat disagree (e) need to call the ACLU.

2. True or False testing. True or False: I will no longer participate in terrorist acts.

3. Match each word from list A with its partner in list B.
A: You; Your best friend from childhood; your family
B. Improviser of explosive devices; conspirator in 9/11; outside ingurgent(s).

4. SAT-style analogies: _______ is to a global war on terror as YOU are to GUILTY.