They've Shown This on Both Screens

Recent Sequels

The Negotiator II

Patton Oswalt takes a dramatic turn as a stunted academic trying to make sense of Taco Bell’s menu discourse. What separates a Gordito from a Chalupa, and which should one prefer for one’s lunch?  Other customers seem to know what they’re doing, and order with confidence.  Aren’t these all tacos, in the end? Why is the Taco Bell line the longest in the student union’s food court?  Action reaches a crescendo when Oswalt meekly approaches the counter and asks for “just a taco.”  And just when you think his order is complete, the twist ending: Baja or Bell Grande? 

No Country for Old Men Too

John Goodman plays the father of “tween” twin boys who have been squabbling over the family’s video game console.  Goodman attempts vainly to set up parental controls on the machine, necessitating the creation of accounts, passwords, credit card numbers, system crashes, and a riotous foot chase through wet suburban streets.  “I just copied the activation code from the other screen, so how can this thing tell me its not found?” Goodman yells, in dialog one presumes came straight from Coach McCarthy’s book.[1]  Javier Bardem returns as the Playstation 4.

Momento 2: Remember Momento?

Veteran character actor Stephen Root takes a starring role as a middle-aged man who pays obsessive attention to trivia while tuned out to the world around him.  We get a sense of the larger world through NPR newscasts playing in the background, while Root retreats further and further into flights of fantasy and escapism. In one harrowing scene, Root, surrounded by polyhedral dice and role-playing game character sheets, repeatedly asks his put-upon wife (Emma Stone) if she knows where the graph paper might be.  “That’s the third time you’ve asked me that!” Stone sobs.  “It’s like you don’t even listen to me!” Donald Trump is the president and everything is awful.

A Few More Good Men

The feds are closing in on Ned Beatty in this courtroom drama.  Beatty portrays a devoted father of two who’s been caught secretly stealing his children’s Barnes & Noble gift cards to use them himself. Under interrogation, he breaks down and admits the whole scam, yelling, “Who cares?  It’s not like THEY read.  I’m the one reading!!!!”  Meanwhile, Beatty has to shell out for all the micro-transactions the kids are buying for the bleep-bloop games on their g*damn cell phones, but somehow it’s still Beatty who’s the fricking bad guy here.

Children of Children of Men

Jonah Hill plays an expert in Marvel Comics continuity who has survived an unnamed plague that took the life of anyone who could make, build, or repair anything.  When society collapses and things fall apart, Hill can only throw those things out, or move to a new home.  Sure, all the comic books are free now, but the WiFi is out and, shit, was that the furnace? Hill tries to start a fire with nothing but logs and a Bic lighter.  Such an indoor kid.  Julianne Moore co-stars as a pack of feral coyotes.

[1]A previous version incorrectly indicated that the author of the source material was Cormac McCarthy.  This article has been corrected to indicate its author is in fact Mike McCarthy, head coach of the Green Bay Packers football concern.

1 comment:

Winter said...

I think you are mocking me by casting Stephen Root as me.