Thank you for being here today in celebration of Al & Audrey’s 15 years of marriage. I’m honored to be officiating today, as I don’t have many opportunities to put to use my Associate’s Degree in Secular Humanism and Small Engine Repair from 
the University of Lawsonomy. (I’m sure you’re all familiar with the universal principles of Lawsonomy: suction, pressure, swirlation.)
Al and Audrey’s first marriage occurred not long after moving to Milwaukee, before most of us had met either of them. For the rest of us, we’ve never known Al and Audrey as independent agents, and have not had the opportunity to toast and celebrate their marriage. So, Al and Audrey wanted this day to involve all their friends, particularly the latecomers.
Usually, marriage ceremonies contain some bits of wisdom on the subject of creating a long and happy marriage. I’m not going to do that, because I’ve heard Audrey’s story about the divorcee who suggested dancing lessons as the key to marital success. Instead, I want to consider what makes their marriage such a successful one, in the hopes that the rest of us might reflect on our own relationships, or at least pass some time before the bacon is ready.
To my mind, Al & Audrey have a truly complementary marriage – they fit together like puzzle pieces, each in balance with the other. For example, while Audrey is not exactly the shy and retiring sort, everyone is an introvert when compared with Al. As another example, Audrey serves humankind through the nurturing and comfort of the food she cooks, while Al has no redeeming societal function at all. Audrey is an avid reader, developing understanding and compassion through the words of novels, memoirs, and cookbooks. Al discerns the meaning of traffic signs through their shape alone. Audrey is a steward of the earth through her gardening and her hybrid car, while Al is one of the leading causes of the depletion of natural resources like grain, barley, hops and rye. They are like two sides of the same coin, one side decorated with the grace and beauty of a vestal servant of the hearth, the other side with oddly pornographic stick figures.
In truth, I love these people. I think you’ll all agree with me that everything is more pleasant – livelier, funnier – when either of them are around, and particularly when they are both around. Anyone who has heard the two of them laugh together instantly understands why they are together – even their laughter is in harmony. How lucky, how blessed, the two of you must be to have each other, to have such a deep connection to a person with whom no time is ever wasted.
We were talking the other night about the
Eau de Vie brandy orchards in Alsace, where arborists tie glass bottles onto tree branches so that a pear grows inside the bottle. I’ve continued to think about those orchards throughout the week, and it strikes me that those bottles make a good metaphor for marriage. Early on, the marriage – the bottle -- provides guidance and shelter to the developing pear, and then, after a period of growth, the pear is too fat to escape and drowning in alcohol. Maybe I should put that another way: after a lot of care and tending – after all, arborists need to scrub inside those bottles, around the fruit, before any spirits can be added – there sits the pear, viewable from any angle, wondrous to gaze upon, and somehow – almost impossibly -- larger, sweeter, and rarer than it could otherwise be.
To those assembled, we all know that Al & Audrey’s life together is not and will not always be easy. They live apart from the rest of their families, both of their fathers have passed away, and all too recently Audrey lost her mother. I’d like those of us here today to make a pledge to continue to support them, to be their family while their family is away, to be the bottle around the pear. Audrey tells me that those bottles, hanging from their trees in Alsace, chime against each other in the wind – if you will stand as the bottle surrounding Al & Audrey, please raise your glass and chime it against another’s.
Vows
Al and Audrey, I’m now going to ask you to rededicate yourselves to each other through a few small pledges, and if you agree to these promises, please say, “I will.”
Al, do you promise to continue to love and support Audrey through all the days ahead, equally if not better than you have these last 15 years? And will you put the seat down, and call if you’re running late, and dedicate at least a bit of the weekend to chores around the house, and generally take actions to make Audrey’s life as smooth and as happy as possible? And you’ll do this even during college football season? What about, like, if I call and want to hang out or something?
Audrey, will you continue to love and support Al through all the days ahead, despite all you’ve had to put up with over the last 15 years? Really? You remember that time he came home naked?
Then, by the power vested in me by the great state of Wisconsin and www.godaddy.com, I now pronounce you: still married.
the University of Lawsonomy. (I’m sure you’re all familiar with the universal principles of Lawsonomy: suction, pressure, swirlation.)Al and Audrey’s first marriage occurred not long after moving to Milwaukee, before most of us had met either of them. For the rest of us, we’ve never known Al and Audrey as independent agents, and have not had the opportunity to toast and celebrate their marriage. So, Al and Audrey wanted this day to involve all their friends, particularly the latecomers.
Usually, marriage ceremonies contain some bits of wisdom on the subject of creating a long and happy marriage. I’m not going to do that, because I’ve heard Audrey’s story about the divorcee who suggested dancing lessons as the key to marital success. Instead, I want to consider what makes their marriage such a successful one, in the hopes that the rest of us might reflect on our own relationships, or at least pass some time before the bacon is ready.
To my mind, Al & Audrey have a truly complementary marriage – they fit together like puzzle pieces, each in balance with the other. For example, while Audrey is not exactly the shy and retiring sort, everyone is an introvert when compared with Al. As another example, Audrey serves humankind through the nurturing and comfort of the food she cooks, while Al has no redeeming societal function at all. Audrey is an avid reader, developing understanding and compassion through the words of novels, memoirs, and cookbooks. Al discerns the meaning of traffic signs through their shape alone. Audrey is a steward of the earth through her gardening and her hybrid car, while Al is one of the leading causes of the depletion of natural resources like grain, barley, hops and rye. They are like two sides of the same coin, one side decorated with the grace and beauty of a vestal servant of the hearth, the other side with oddly pornographic stick figures.
In truth, I love these people. I think you’ll all agree with me that everything is more pleasant – livelier, funnier – when either of them are around, and particularly when they are both around. Anyone who has heard the two of them laugh together instantly understands why they are together – even their laughter is in harmony. How lucky, how blessed, the two of you must be to have each other, to have such a deep connection to a person with whom no time is ever wasted.
We were talking the other night about the
Eau de Vie brandy orchards in Alsace, where arborists tie glass bottles onto tree branches so that a pear grows inside the bottle. I’ve continued to think about those orchards throughout the week, and it strikes me that those bottles make a good metaphor for marriage. Early on, the marriage – the bottle -- provides guidance and shelter to the developing pear, and then, after a period of growth, the pear is too fat to escape and drowning in alcohol. Maybe I should put that another way: after a lot of care and tending – after all, arborists need to scrub inside those bottles, around the fruit, before any spirits can be added – there sits the pear, viewable from any angle, wondrous to gaze upon, and somehow – almost impossibly -- larger, sweeter, and rarer than it could otherwise be.To those assembled, we all know that Al & Audrey’s life together is not and will not always be easy. They live apart from the rest of their families, both of their fathers have passed away, and all too recently Audrey lost her mother. I’d like those of us here today to make a pledge to continue to support them, to be their family while their family is away, to be the bottle around the pear. Audrey tells me that those bottles, hanging from their trees in Alsace, chime against each other in the wind – if you will stand as the bottle surrounding Al & Audrey, please raise your glass and chime it against another’s.
Vows
Al and Audrey, I’m now going to ask you to rededicate yourselves to each other through a few small pledges, and if you agree to these promises, please say, “I will.”
Al, do you promise to continue to love and support Audrey through all the days ahead, equally if not better than you have these last 15 years? And will you put the seat down, and call if you’re running late, and dedicate at least a bit of the weekend to chores around the house, and generally take actions to make Audrey’s life as smooth and as happy as possible? And you’ll do this even during college football season? What about, like, if I call and want to hang out or something?
Audrey, will you continue to love and support Al through all the days ahead, despite all you’ve had to put up with over the last 15 years? Really? You remember that time he came home naked?
Then, by the power vested in me by the great state of Wisconsin and www.godaddy.com, I now pronounce you: still married.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Al and Audrey...
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