If Your Train's On Time You Can Get To Work By Nine

The following is a letter sent on Wednesday by Townblog to Edward M. Liddy, the chief executive of A.I.G., as an open response to a letter to Liddy from Jake DeSantis that appeared in today's New York Times.

Dear Mr. Liddy,

After reading Mr. DeSantis’ letter as published in today’s New York Times Op Ed section, I too feel a deeply regretted need to submit my notice of resignation from A.I.G.

Like Mr. DeSantis, I had nothing to do with the company’s credit default losses and I feel I am being treated unfairly by the company and our state and national lawmakers.

I suspect my troubles with the company first began when I realized that I was not even an employee of A.I.G. In fact, while Mr. DeSantis may have agreed to take a yearly salary of $1 (in addition to a $742,006.40 bonus, making his net income a measly $742, 007.40), I did not, sir, receive any salary at all. I was not even informed, personally, that A.I.G. was hiring.

Luckily, I am a tax-paying citizen of a nation that hoped to solve some of A.I.G.’s troubles by giving you some of the money our nation's government generated by taxes. Maybe you see already where I’m going with this. Some of that tax money may well have come from me, which I suppose means I’m part-owner of A.I.G. (Sorry I did not make the last board meeting, Mr. Liddy, but babysitters have been hard to come by.)

I therefore presume that I, like Mr. DeSantis, will soon be getting my 2008 bonus. Don’t forget to include that extra dollar! (By the way, what do the state, local, and FICA payments amount to in a $1 yearly salary? Is making 742,006.4 percent of your salary in bonus-form a good way to avoid having to pay those sorts of things?)

When I do get that bonus, I’ve decided to give it all to programs for those suffering in the current economy, just as Mr. DeSantis has pledged to do. My first plan is to give $739,007.40 to myself, since I’m currently – by my math – about $742,006.40 in arrears. (See, by not getting any money, I’ve become affected by the current economy , if you're smelling what I'm cooking.) Anyway, an additional $300 will go towards a Playstation 3 for the exclusive use of those like myself who have suffered most from the A.I.G. bonus scandal. The remaining $2,700 will go towards an account held by the Mandalay Bay Casino in Las Vegas, NV, and will serve as a nest egg towards rebuilding the $742,007.40 I will need for the 2010 annum.

In the spirit of civic responsibility evidenced in Mr. DeSantis letter, I’ve just hit upon a deal that I think is going to benefit both of us, by appealing to your budget and my over-blown and blow-dried sense of entitlement: why don’t you go ahead and keep that dollar you owe me, and just give me the $742,007.40 instead?

Sincerely,

Townblog