Former Goldfinger Aide Supports John McCain

Townblog Wire

Jill Masterson, the gold-skinned former lobbyist for Auric Goldfinger, revealed that she has regular email contact with presidential hopeful John McCain in which she offers advice and consoles him after difficult debates.

The gold-skinned beauty said she had been communicating with the Republican candidate for months and was "amazed" that he always found the time to reply.

Jill Masterson, former Goldfinger aide

"You'd imagine that someone like the senator who is constantly travelling and constantly 'on' - how can he return these personal emails?" she told a reporter from Old Money.

"But he does, and in his off-time I know he also calls people who have donated large sums to thank them. Or, you know, arrange reprisals or collusion."

She described how after a particularly tough debate earlier this year, she sent an email congratulating him for "not entirely embarassing himself".

He responded that the questioning was "confusing" and he would have liked the debate moderators to "get the hell off my lawn."

The gold-plated blond woman, a former paramour of British MI6 agent James Bond, has made no secret of her deep admiration for the Republican candidate.

In January she told reporters: "I am engaged to John McCain. My heart belongs to John". This, she said, was misconstrued by leftist newsletter The New York Times to suggest that he may have had an affair, or more nefarious dealings with lobbyists that he'd claimed.

In the recent interview Masterson claimed that the nation's oldest ever presidential nominee is a fan of her work too and that gold was his favorite color. “Sometimes he slips up and calls me ‘Emmy,'” she admitted, flashing her 24-carat smile.

Reporters asked Masterson to address rumors that she died as a result of the application of gold paint over her entire body, thought to be the work of Goldfinger henchman Oddjob in the mid-1960’s. “Entirely true, actually,” Masterson said, “but the fact that I’m dead, I think, makes me more attractive to McCain and his supporters. That, and I’m covered in gold.”

Masterson also admitted that this is not the first time in her life that she and McCain had been close. During the cold war, her former boss Goldfinger served as the treasurer for SMERSH, the Soviet-era counterintelligence agency. “We had a lot of dealings with McCain in the late ‘80s; he was particularly involved with [SMERSH agent Charles] Keating and our work to subvert American banking regulations.”

Masterson hinted that she may also participate in more high profile fundraising events. "John has asked me to wear ‘McCain for America’ stickers over my private parts. And there are other ways, too – I could be used as a centerpiece in one of those $10,000 plate dinners or, you know, I could be melted down and used as a tax break for the top 1% of Americans.”

The apparently deceased gold-plated bombshell has not lost her sense of humor, however. “John always jokes with me that he’s going to put us back on the silver standard, just like we were when he was a kid in the nineteenth century. At least, I think he’s kidding. God, he gets so angry sometimes…”