The Jefferson - Hemmings Text Messages

Recently discovered historical documents show that former President Thomas Jefferson (D- VA) interrupted a vote on the floor of Philadelphia's Constitutional Convention in 1887 to engage in Internet sex with a 14-year-old African American girl under his employ.

Townblog has obtained 52 separate instant message exchanges, which former Virginia fieldhands say were sent by Jefferson, using the screen name $2-Bill to Sally Hemmings and other of his female slaves.

This message was dated June 1887, at approximately 7 p.m., according to the message time stamp.

$2-Bill: I miss you
Hemmings: ya me too
$2-Bill: we are still voting
$2-Bill: you miss me too
…
$2-Bill:: ok..i better go vote..did you know you would have this effect on me
Hemmings: lol I guessed
Hemmings: ya go vote…I don't want to keep you from doing your job
$2-Bill: can I have a good kiss goodnight
Hemmings: :-*
Hemmings: kiss

The Constitutional Convention voted that evening to abolish primogeniture and establish freedom of religion. Alexander Hamilton suggested that Senators should serve for life, so long as they remained on good behavior. According to another message, Jefferson also invites Miss Hemmings to come to Monticello so they can drink alcohol.

Hemmings: are you going to be on the plantation this weekend?
$2-Bill: I may be now that your coming
$2-Bill: who you coming to visit
Hemmings: haha good stuff
Hemmings: umm no one really
$2-Bill: we will be adjourned by then
Hemmings: oh good
$2-Bill: by the way, we reached compromise today
$2-Bill: and good news
$2-Bill: you count as 35 a person
Hemmings: wha?
$2-Bill: oops – three fifths
Hemmings: I thought u said all men created equal
$2-Bill: shhh…
$2-Bill: we can revisit in 20 years
Hemmings: OMG! Not fair - that’s 1807!
Hemmings: i will be 34 then
$2-Bill: ok
$2-Bill: i will be 64
$2-Bill: and probably be king or whatevs
Hemmings: this is so bs
$2-Bill: if u r nice 2 me
$2-Bill: i can free you upon my death

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The above is an attempt at satire. Jefferson wasn't actually at the Constitutional Convention, since he was in Paris at the time pretending to be Nick Nolte. Sally Hemmings was never freed.

Memo to the media: please take care to differentiate between homosexuality and pedophilia.

Memo to Fox News: I don't need to tell you this, but you are evil geniuses. I love how you "accidentally" identified a Republican sodden pederast as belonging to the other party. Well done.