I Plead the First

Recent Amendments:

28th Amendment:
Marriage may only occur between a man and a woman.

29th Amendment:
Pursuant to the 28th Amendment (see attached), "man" shall be defined as a "human male" and "woman" shall be defined as a "human female." There's really no loophole, people, so just cut it out. Really, enough.

30th Amendment:
Transgendered human males and females may marry someone of their opposite gender but only after surgery and hormone treatment. Although such marriages are permitted, it shall be reflected in the law that the current administration finds it very icky.

31st Amendment:
The words "biologic and physiologic sex" shall replace the word "gender" in the 31st Amendment, as it has been pointed out to lawmakers that "gender" refers to sexual identification and not actual biology.

32nd Amendment:
If a human male and a female are married, and one of them changes their biological sex -- whether by surgery or other means -- so that the marriage now exists between two people of the same (if not naturally so) biological sex, well, then, that marriage is immediately annulled. Nice try, though.

33rd Amendment:
It is permissible to say of a person that he or she is "married to their work," but it is not permissible for a person to actually marry their work. As we feel we made clear in the 28th Amendment, marriage may only occur between a man and a woman.

34th Amendment:
While we can't believe we actually have to append this to our Nation's constitution, the term "marriage" can be used symbolically and/or metaphorically, but such symbolic or metaphoric marriages will not be recognized as such in cases of Federal law.

35th Amendment:
Because the first amendment seems to allow it, citizens may claim to be married to someone even when they are not, irrespective of the sex or gender of the claimants involved. However, these "marriages" are linguistic and/or textual claims only, and will not be recognized by Federal law.

36th Amendment:
The first article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States is hereby goddamn repealed.

------

Actual honest non-ironic article of inquiry: Is there any evidence that an American citizen has actually burned an American flag in the last five to ten years? Does any video footage exist? Has anyone heard from a friend or neighbor about a flag being burned?