The Tigers Have Spoken

As reported in the New York Times, national corespondent for The Atlantic and National Book Award nominee Ta-Nehesi Coates is writing an upcoming 12-issue run of Marvel's Black Panther.  We've given Matrix Jedi, Elvis Costello doppleganger, and esteemed professor Dr. Cornel West, an outspoken critic of Coates, an opportunity to preview some of the early issues:

Brother Coates’ new issues of Black Panther are full of BAM and POW, but they hardly measure up to James Baldwin’s historic run on the comic back in the Mighty Marching Marvel Society days of the salubrious seventies.  Baldwin’s excoriation of the exploitive American eye towards brother T’Challa’s native Wakanda and the imperialist strip mining of its vibranium resouces led to collective action, and may even have inspired the organization that came to share the hero’s name.  Coates’ Panther, meanwhile, makes no critique of the Black president in power, or the rampant capitalist wage inequity evident in the disparity between the tony Starks and the proletariat Parkers.  He hasn’t familiarized himself with our hero brethren who have struggled alongside us: Black Goliath, Black Lightning, Black Talon, Black Manta, Black Vulcan, black Power Man, and (somehow) the Bronze Tiger.  Until he’s studied these afro’d and afro-centric heroes of the four-color struggle, Coates will remain a mere darling of Stan Lee-liberals and jackbooted Kirbyism.  Also, as brother Jonathan Lethem proved with his 2007 attempted revival of Omega the Unknown, no one wants this shit.  Finally, in what can be attributed only to Coates' youth and an unwillingness to examine our era's omnipresent neocon ogliarchy, brother Ta-Nehesi completely misunderstands the villain he employs against brother T'Challa.  As any scholar must recognize, Klaw lost his powers in a fight with Carnage in Amazing Spider Man #676, but here he appears again as a bigoted imperialist with a vibranium-powered sonic laser rather than as a being of pure sound as he’s appeared since his fight in Dazzler #11.  Please send my no-prize to the efficiency apartment I'm sharing with John Edwards in Topeka, KS.

Brokaw Selected to Replace George Carlin

Townblog Wire

NBC announced Wednesday morning that Tom Brokaw, the former anchor of "NBC Nightly News," will step forward to replace the late comic George Carlin in all future ventures.

The popular comedian died June 22, leaving an important vacancy within the world of stand-up comedy and "counter-cultural" teen comedy films. Brokaw, who hosted NBC’s "Nightly News" for 22 years and retired four years ago, is expected to premiere "Sewriouswry," a live stand-up special, on HBO at the end of August. Representatives for Brokaw have confirmed that the special will contain the anchorman-cum-comedian's ground-breaking "The Seven Consonants I'm Unable to Pronounce on Televsion" routine, in addition to familiar ruminations on "wranguage and the absurdities of modewrn wriving."

Brokaw’s other upcoming duties will include roles in the movies "Bill and Ted’s Emergency Intervention" and "Car Wash 2: Why Didn't We Make This Years Ago?" as well as an upcoming yet to be written but already awful movie by director Kevin Smith.

Given previous announcements that Brokaw will be taking over the duties of Tim Russert, Bo Diddley, and Benazir Bhutto of the Pakistan People’s Party, the former newsman will be quite busy through what was once meant to be a quiet retirement and a gradual withdrawal from the public eye. Brokaw also has a new book in the works, his latest since May 2008’s release of Old People Are Better Than You. Brokaw’s forthcoming work, Generation X: You Can Have My Booming Economy When I’m Good and G*d-Damned Done With It, is currently being printed in the remote section of China devoted to Brokaw’s publishing efforts.

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Full Disclosure: I stole the central premise for this post from my friend Dan, who's currently working in China and therefore unable to sue.

Former Goldfinger Aide Supports John McCain

Townblog Wire

Jill Masterson, the gold-skinned former lobbyist for Auric Goldfinger, revealed that she has regular email contact with presidential hopeful John McCain in which she offers advice and consoles him after difficult debates.

The gold-skinned beauty said she had been communicating with the Republican candidate for months and was "amazed" that he always found the time to reply.

Jill Masterson, former Goldfinger aide

"You'd imagine that someone like the senator who is constantly travelling and constantly 'on' - how can he return these personal emails?" she told a reporter from Old Money.

"But he does, and in his off-time I know he also calls people who have donated large sums to thank them. Or, you know, arrange reprisals or collusion."

She described how after a particularly tough debate earlier this year, she sent an email congratulating him for "not entirely embarassing himself".

He responded that the questioning was "confusing" and he would have liked the debate moderators to "get the hell off my lawn."

The gold-plated blond woman, a former paramour of British MI6 agent James Bond, has made no secret of her deep admiration for the Republican candidate.

In January she told reporters: "I am engaged to John McCain. My heart belongs to John". This, she said, was misconstrued by leftist newsletter The New York Times to suggest that he may have had an affair, or more nefarious dealings with lobbyists that he'd claimed.

In the recent interview Masterson claimed that the nation's oldest ever presidential nominee is a fan of her work too and that gold was his favorite color. “Sometimes he slips up and calls me ‘Emmy,'” she admitted, flashing her 24-carat smile.

Reporters asked Masterson to address rumors that she died as a result of the application of gold paint over her entire body, thought to be the work of Goldfinger henchman Oddjob in the mid-1960’s. “Entirely true, actually,” Masterson said, “but the fact that I’m dead, I think, makes me more attractive to McCain and his supporters. That, and I’m covered in gold.”

Masterson also admitted that this is not the first time in her life that she and McCain had been close. During the cold war, her former boss Goldfinger served as the treasurer for SMERSH, the Soviet-era counterintelligence agency. “We had a lot of dealings with McCain in the late ‘80s; he was particularly involved with [SMERSH agent Charles] Keating and our work to subvert American banking regulations.”

Masterson hinted that she may also participate in more high profile fundraising events. "John has asked me to wear ‘McCain for America’ stickers over my private parts. And there are other ways, too – I could be used as a centerpiece in one of those $10,000 plate dinners or, you know, I could be melted down and used as a tax break for the top 1% of Americans.”

The apparently deceased gold-plated bombshell has not lost her sense of humor, however. “John always jokes with me that he’s going to put us back on the silver standard, just like we were when he was a kid in the nineteenth century. At least, I think he’s kidding. God, he gets so angry sometimes…”

Jaws Shark's Return to Safe Waters

Perth, AUSTRAILA – Most only know the robotic Great White Shark called “Bruce” from his film work in Jaws, Jaws 2, and Moonraker, but the famously reclusive and press-shy star has done much of his recent work behind the scenes, quietly developing his latest and perhaps greatest role as Hollywood’s go-to healer. Time Magazine's Mary Ellen Moffat sat in with the 5,000-lb. Carcharodon carcharias for a revealing discussion of friends, “LOST,” and lost friends.

TIME: You’re in town for Heath Ledger’s memorial.

Bruce: Heath was a friend. I’d only just met him – I was coaching his teeth for his upcoming role as the Joker, just as I’d done with Jack. It was clear from the start that this was a young man with a lot of star power, but there was a darkness upon him that was palpable. Fame can be quite a burden, even to those on the hunt for it.

TIME: You sound as though you speak from experience. How did you fare with your own rise to fame?

Bruce: Not well – the late seventies were a total blur, I’m afraid. I was young and single, and despite some malicious rumors spread by some former associates, the work was steady. For a while, it seemed like I could just drift between my recurring roles in the Roger Moore Bond movies [1977’s The Spy Who Loved Me, 1979’s Moonraker] and the Amity Island sequels [1978’s Jaws II, 1983’s Jaws 3-D]. The money, the drugs, the women: I thought it would never end. When Robert Shaw died, I was hit hard. We’d been so close, and he was such a mentor to me, you know?

TIME: I’ve heard that you showed up at Shaw's funeral with a harpoon gun and plastic buoys wrapped around your dorsal fin.

Bruce: (Laughs). Yeah, drugs’ll do that to you. Shaw deserved better, but that’s all I had to give at the time.

TIME: You say that rumors were spread. Can you say more about that?

Bruce: I don’t want to get into it too much – it’s ancient history, really, but Steven made it pretty clear he felt I was difficult to work with, including blaming me for some of the work stoppages that occurred on that first film [1975’s Jaws]. It’s hard, because here’s a guy who created me, you know, the Geppetto to my Pinnochio, and we become fast friends, practically living together on Martha’s Vineyard in that summer of 1974, and as soon as we wrap principal photography, he turns around and does what he does. I won’t deny that it hurt. In recovery, we talk a lot about owning up to our own addictions, but that kind of abandonment in such a fragile time? That leaves a scar.

TIME: Some feel that Spielberg used you as a way to propel himself into a Hollywood career.

Bruce: I didn’t say that. (Laughs) But I will say, look at the dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies, look at the robot boy in A.I., look at his affinity for Tom Hanks. Those things come from somewhere…

TIME: Spielberg famously cast your half-sister, actress Juliane Moore, in the Jurassic sequel. Are you on good terms with her?

Bruce: You’re not going to survive in this business very long if you hold onto pain and rejection and hard feelings. That’s part of why I think drug and alcohol abuse is so prevalent in the industry, and part of what we address in my workshops.

TIME: You’ve developed a second career in drug counseling in the last decade or so, and you’re currently appearing as a counselor on Dr. Drew Pinsky’s VH-1 reality program, Celebrity Rehab. How did you embark on your own road to sobriety?

Bruce: I was doing press for a 1997 TV version of "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea," and a reporter – some guy from Kansas City or somewhere – mentions that this was my second time co-starring with Michael Caine, who played Captain Nemo in the TV movie. I was certain he was wrong, but he insisted we had previously worked together in a Jaws film. I left the studio and went straight to a Blockbuster, and – there it was: Jaws IV! I thought: Damn, how many of these have I done? And I’ve been sober ever since. But that what it takes, sometimes, you know? You have to come to terms with just how out of control and self-destructive you’ve been.

TIME: Did you ever speak with Michael Caine about that experience.

Bruce: (Sighs) I tried. I called him up and mentioned it to him, but first he was convinced I was a drunk Richard Harris pranking him and then, wierdly, he started trying to order shoes. (Imitates Caine’s Cockney accent) "Roit, I’d like a noice pair of white bucks in size fourteen, snaps at yer ankles…”

TIME: That’s possibly the worst Cockney accent since Dick Van Dyke’s turn in Mary Poppins.

Bruce: (Laughs) I guess I’ll have to stick to mauling teenage girls…

TIME: While you’ve scaled back your acting work lately, you’ve had a small but pivotal role in the the TV show “Lost.”

Bruce: Only a couple of episodes, really. Kind of a favor to the producers, really. I’d been working – in my counselor capacity – with a lot of the cast and crew, and they were really stuck as to how they were going to progress with the second season. I made a few suggestions, and did a few scenes at scale.

TIME: We’ve only just learned that Roy Schieder died over the weekend. What are your memories of him?

Bruce: Schieder was a rock. I’ll tell you, it was hard times for me after that first movie, what with Shaw’s death and Dreyfus so clearly siding with Steven. I really felt like it was, we’ve created this robot shark and now the movie’s over, so let’s ship him off to work the rest of his life at some theme park or something. I could barely function. The script for Jaws II had come in, but everybody knew it had gone to Pacino first, and – out of resentment – I really wanted to turn it down. I mean, if I’m not your first choice for the role of ‘Shark,’ you know? Go screw! So that’s the space I was in, plus an 8-ball or two in the afternoon, when one day Schieder rolls up on his Indian motorcycle. He tells me to get on the back, and we ride up the Pacific Coast highway, stopping on a cliffside to fire off these twin Lugers he’d brought along, kind of a salute to Bob Shaw, right? And we’re sharing a bottle of Jack Daniels, just being a couple of mates, and Schieder never mentions the script. Never even mentions it! By sunset, we’re up damn near to Oregon, you know, and we’re going through this old growth forest, with the mescaline really kicking in, and you can just see the orange glow through the sequoias to the west. Schieder’s lying down on a battered picnic table, staring up at the tree tops, and I’m doing pretty much the same thing on the bike. And Schieder just says: “Sharky,” he says, “don’t let the bastards get you down.” And then we went off and did Jaws II together, and let the rest of ‘em go to hell. And that was Roy Schieder.

Bright Lights, Big Deal

It's 2006. Do You Know Where You Are?

You're not the kind of guy to be in a place like this at this point in your career. Your reading at the summer writing program has just ended, and no one seems to be approaching to suggest drinks at the local tavern. They seem willing to let you fend for yourself, these chilly millenial writers with their sarcasm and cool distance, and you resent them for a while, as you shuffle papers together and try to effect a manner that might impel one of the younger, hotter women to invite you for a cocktail.

Of course, this is just a little bit of the old "social anxiety" creeping through, and if you can get to a bar or a bathroom -- or, preferably, both -- that solves itself easily enough.

A young man with an absurdly long pony tail approaches the lecture, which is a good sign but not good enough. He probably just wants to complement your awesome reading, but you'll have to be careful to steer him from any invitation. There's a stylish brunette in the back, a girl who clearly knows how to wear a skirt, and you want to go where she's going, not to the patchouli and Phish dive that this guy surely visits.

"Ummm..." says the guy with the pony tail, as you shufffle papers and make a point of not looking at him, "can you settle a bet for me?"

"I can try," you say. Surely this was going to be some trivial matter about characters or what all these writer's camp type kids so pretentiously call "craft."

"I have $5 that says you played the bad guy in Fletch."

You grit your teeth. "You're thinking of Tim Matheson. Animal House, 'West Wing,' so forth. "

The young man grumbles about having lost his five bucks. "You totally look alike, though," he says. "You must get that all the time."

You do. "Not really," you say.